April 2014 Film Preview

April 4th

• Captain America: The Winter Soldier: This is Marvel Studios first release of what looks to be a big year for them. If you don't know what the plot is to this film then you've been living under a rock. As a follower of Captain America comics in the 80's, I will be seeing this film. 
• Frankie and Alice: Halle Berry plays a go-go dancer with multiple personalities. Realities of her personalities merge together into Frankie and Alice (hence the film's title). Stellan Skarsgard is the shrink who tries to help her. The trailer is a blend of images of her "regular" persona and her "not so good" persona. Throw in some mental hospital shenanigans to reinforce the fact that she's got mental issues. This does not look all that original.
• Under the Skin: I saw this trailer in the theater a few weeks ago and to be honest, I had no idea what the heck was going on. The tagline to the film starring Scarlett Johansson and directed by Jonathan Glazer says, "an alien seductress preys upon hitchhikers in Scotland." However, the imagery from the trailer isn't close to that description. The film does look very dark and might be worth a look but it doesn't appear that it will see a large release. Who knows, I'm a bit intrigued based on some of Glazer's past work.
• Alan Partridge: Steve Coogan plays the title character, a radio morning man of a small radio station in a London suburb. The station gets bought out and Colm Meaney's character takes hostages after he's been downsized. Alan to the rescue. Hijinx ensue when Meaney has Coogan help him with the police negotiations. The trailer has a few laughs in there and you'll get the British humor side of police standoffs. I like Coogan's work (mainly with Michael Winterbottom), so this might be worth a look.
• Dom Hemingway: Jude Law plays recently paroled convict named (wait for it!)...Dom Hemingway. Dom is a safecracker with limited social skills (get drunk, punch first and ask questions later) who tries to get back together with his now adult daughter. Law looks interesting as it's a bit of a departure for him. I saw this trailer at an art house cineplex in Chicago so I don't think this will get a lot of screen exposure. 

Other films being released on this date include; Jinn, a supernatural thriller that requires Darth Maul to use use vast martial arts skills to defeat the evil. In Goodbye World, a cyberattack shuts off America's electricity, cable, internet and cell phone usage. A group of forward thinking hipsters are prepared to ride it out but things don't go so smoothly in their Big Chill-esque seclusion when other folks find out that they've got stuff that works. This is what happens to society when you take away that stuff. Mob mentality and everyone for themselves. Had these hipster had prepared for the apocalypse like rednecks (guns instead of solar panels) they'd be in a better spot. Documentary filmmaker Errol Morris, sits down with former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in The Unknown Known. In the Blood stars Gina Carano who's husband disappears on their Caribbean honeymoon and she's got to kick some ass to find out what the deal is. This may not be as good as Haywire but since that was a pretty good film, this one could be worth checking out. 

April 11th

• Oculus: Supernatural scary movie alert. A mirror that houses demons allegedly forces a man to kill his wife in front of the kids. While the brother is in a mental institution, the sister finds the mirror and she sets forth to prove that the mirror did it and has killed before. Then somehow the mirror ends up in a family's home and weird sh*t starts to happen. The name of the film sounds cool but as it goes with this genre, buyer beware.
• Draft Day: Kevin Costner is hired as the General Manager of the woeful Cleveland Browns. The Browns have the 1pick in the NFL Draft and the film traces the happenings up to draft day (hence the not so subtle title). Jennifer Garner appears to be Costner's love interest, Frank Langella plays the owner and Dennis Leary is the head coach. This IS NOT Moneyball for the NFL. It's more like a 90 minute commercial for ESPN's draft coverage.
• The Railway Man : Colin Firth stars as a former British soldier who was a POW in the Pacific Theatre. While in Japanese custody he and his other comrades were tortured and forced to work the Thai-Burma Railway. Firth finds out that the Japanese officer who tormented him is still alive and goes to confront him, possibly in a revenge manner and not in a "hey how ya been the last twenty years?" kind of way. Nicole Kidman stars as Firth's wife. Firth has been in need of a solid follow-up to The King's Speech and this could be it.
• Only Lovers Let Alive : Indie director Jim Jarmusch, gets into the vampire foray with this film that stars Tilda Swinton (Eve) and Tom Hiddleston (Adam) as vampire lovers who reunite for a long overdue fling (Adam & Eve, there's a plot device here). The film looks very dark and gritty. After watching the trailer I came away with, "why hasn't Tilda Swinton ever been cast as a vampire before?" She looks pretty creepy and fits the part almost naturally. 
• Joe: Remember back in the 90's when Nic Cage would make a schlocky popcorn film or two (Face/Off, The Rock) then make an art house film (Leaving Las Vegas)? Yeah neither do I. But in this film Cage seems to be taking a page out of McConaughey's recent playbook and going for more serious stuff. Cage plays Joe, an ex-con with a past and a drinking problem. He befriends a kid with an abusive father (also a drunk but a bad drunk not like Cage's good drunk, apparently there's a difference) who's trying to take care of his mom & sister. Things come to a boil and Cage may deal with the kid's drunken father which may put him back in prison. Heavy drama here for sure but I will most likely pass on this unless the buzz is too much to resist.

April 16th

• Heaven is for Real: Based on the best selling book about a kid with a near death experience who gets a tour of Heaven. From what I understand this kid's experience has the creationism crowd clamoring that this is proof that God is real and that science is a jerk. 

April 18th

• Transcendence: Johnny Depp heads an all-star cast in this trippy sci-fi film about a software designer (Depp) who invents a revolutionary computer thingy and is assassinated. While in a coma, his conscience is uploaded or downloaded into a computer. From there he gets all knowing "Skynet" type knowledge and bad things start to happen. This film looks pretty cool and I will most likely see it. 
• A Haunted House 2: Yet another spoof about scary movies. The trailer looks stupid and has several C-list stars. I feel as if the Wayans Brothers can do better.
• Fading Gigolo: John Turturo directs and stars in this dramedy about a lonely dude who finds his calling as a gigolo in a New York City neighborhood. Woody Allen is his pimp I guess who arranges encounters with the like so Sharon Stone and Sophia Vergara. Of course there's a sad widow (just a theory) who is alone and Turturo is recruited to make her feel alive again. It's possible that they fall in love. The trailer looks touching and funny but I don't think that this film is aimed at me. 
• Authors Anonymous: Oz from American Pie and the not so bright chick from The Big Bang Theory are struggling small town wannabe writers who meet with other struggling small town wannabe writers on a weekly basis at a diner. Turns out that Cuoco actually gets a literary agent and gets published, striking a bit a jealousy in her writing group. Apparently hijinx ensue and Oz gets rebuffed by Cuoco. This film stars Dennis Farina and he's been dead for a year so who knows how long this one has been on the shelf. I wouldn't bother with it. 
• Bears: Disney brings us a documentary about a year in the life of a family of bears in Alaska. This is probably something that can be watched on the Discovery Channel.

April 25th

• The Other Woman: Cameron Diaz plays a babe who's dating a guy who's married and has another girlfriend in addition to Diaz. Leslie Mann and Kate Upton are the other women involved and Diaz gets together with Mann I believe to exact revenge on the dude. If you think this sounds a bit like John Tucker Must Die for adults, congratulations you guessed right. It also sounds like a Spanish comedy that I thought starred Penelope Cruz but I wasn't able to find through one Google search so I gave up. This looks dumb but it's not aimed at my demographic so it's a win win.
• The Quiet Ones: British scary film set in 1974 about a group of students who obtain some teenage girl with issues and film her. Well, she's a bit screwed up and they decide it would be a good idea ti run some weird experiments on her. Bad idea because weird sh*t starts to happen and leads back to the girl. The trailer looks ok but it's a British creepy kid movie. As with all scary movies, please choose wisely.
• Brick Mansions: Paul Walker's last film has him as an undercover cop (sound familiar?) who infiltrates a gang that has access to a neutron bomb? The villain is RZA and he's holed up in a housing project (hence the title - what is it with April films?). The trailer is basically Walker and Belle "parkouring" their way through the neighborhood. RZA also killed Walker's hero cop father but must have got off on a technicality. I did notice that Walker had a very sweet apartment which would seem to be more than a cop could afford. The screenplay is from Luc Besson so it's probably an almost remake of a prior film of his. 
• Locke: Tom Hardy sheds the Bane mask to play Ivan Locke, guy who spends the enitre film dirving in a straight line while on the phone a lot. That's the plot of the film. He drives a car and talks on the phone and his world seems to unravel. One heckuva commute home huh? I guess there was one phone call that seth forth the chain of events.
• Blue Ruin: Another film where the trailer doesn't reveal much. There's a bearded possible homeless dude living in his car, who's waiting for a dude to be released from prison or something. I guess revenge is in the mix and someone's family is involved as well. There was a scene with a knife and a scene where shots are fired. It's dark and gritty so it could be interesting. Hard to say. 
• The Machine: British eggheads create a not quite female terminator that they want to use for the benefit of humanity but the government has different ideas. Given the AI is in the form of a hot babe to who take really well to military training. I was under the impression that something bad happens. 

2. Sabotage

March 28th in Chicago: Being a child of the 80's, Arnold Schwarzenegger  played a prominent role in my youth. Last year I went to see The Last Stand on opening night and even saw Escape Plan with Sylvester Stallone. Despite the fact that both of those films were terrible, I'm willing to check out a new Ah-Nuld release (usually against my better judgment). I saw this trailer a few weeks ago and I thought pretty highly of it. It's directed by David Ayer who did a nice job with the gritty End of Watch in 2012 so why not take a chance. The trailer was interesting, the plot was a bit old but at least Arnold was playing an everyman type and perhaps he could pull it off.

Arnold is the leader of an elite DEA special ops team that takes down a cartel's safehouse that has a mound of cash hidden inside (nicely and neatly stacked on a pallet of course). Now in the trailer, I got the sense that Arnold and his team go to far with a drug lord and said drug lord tries to get revenge on Arnold by kidnapping his family. Then Arnold in turn seeks vengeance on the drug lord. But not so fast, it turns out that Arnold's family has already been killed (technically that fact is confirmed later in the film but it's unmistakeable that something has happened to his wife) and the team skims $10 million from the palletized drug cash. So in the first 10 minutes, I'm like, "holy sh*t! Arnold is an anti-hero! Nice." When the team returns to the septic drain where the stored the cash, its gone. Then one by one the team members are picked off.

Arnold's character is John "Breacher Wharton. The rest of his team is as follows:

• Sam Worthington as James "Monster" Murray
• Mireille Enos as Lizzy Murray
• Terrence Howard as Julius "Sugar" Edmonds
• Joe Manganiello as Joe "Grinder" Phillips
• Josh Holloway as Eddie "Neck" Jordan
• Max Martini as Tom "Pyro" Roberts

Obviously this crew resembles a biker gang more than DEA agents but, they're a specials ops group so they look a bit unorthodox. When "Pyro" gets killed, his death is investigated by Atlanta Homicide Detective Caroline Brentwood (played well by a nearly unrecognizable Olivia Williams who I used to have a thing for) and she gets a bit more than she bargained for, given. 

The plot was good throughout the film as I was left guessing about what happened to the money as Breacher's team get killed off. However, the scenes got a bit more 80's action filmy and it kind of took away from the plot. Suffice to say I liked how the film started out and where it was going but I wasn't to pleased with the drive or the destination. Waddaya gonna do? The film was not good but it wasn't terrible like his last 2 films. The ending is a bit if a surprise but there's a scene after the climactic and very unrealistic car chase where Ah-Nuld just disappears Batman style. Like a 66 y/o 260 pound mass of muscle is going to stealthily vanish with 30 pounds of gear on him and an assault rifle.

Since the film wasn't good I focused on a few different things like how Brentwood was able to afford such a huge and lovely home on a cop's salary. That home was not inside the perimeter and it was at 2 story multi-room home with an in ground pool in the back and a huge yard. Also, when she and Ah-Nuld go to a former team member's home, it's way out in the sticks (probably near the South Carolina border on I-85, as a former truck driver I recognize the stretch of highway) and after discovering the crime scene, she calls for additional units. What kind of jurisdiction does she have? He radio is able to reach Atlanta some 90 miles away? Ah-Nuld also has the inevitable work out scene while he's being tailed as a result of the missing money. It's Ah-Nuld, I know he's strong.

I guess this film might be the best of what you're going to get out of Ah-Nuld these days. Make no mistake it's not good but it might be worth watching on DVD or HBO when it comes out. Unless you're a huge fan, it's not worth the time & expense. 

1. The Grand Budapest Hotel

March 16th in Chicago: I've written it before, I am a big fan of the films of Wes Anderson. The Grand Budapest Hotel is his latest release with another stellar cast. The film is narrated by Jude Law who plays the "young Author" who repeats the story as told to by the hotel's mysterious owner Zero Moustafa (F. Murray Abraham). Moustafa tells the Author about his first day and his subsequent training under the hotel's concierge, Gustave H (Ralph Fiennes). The Grand Budapest is a luxury alpine hotel that caters to the wealthy of pre-WWII Europe. Gustave is the best at what he does and that includes being a bit of a gigolo to some of hotel's older, wealthy women who frequent the establishment.

Without getting into too much detail of the plot, Gustave and Zero embark on an adventure that turns into a murder mystery. During their adventure Gustave steals a valuable painting from a recently deceased duchess, gets imprisoned, escapes prison, exposes the killers and inherits the Grand Budapest. Zero is along for the ride as Gustave's faithful sidekick who helps Gustave escape prison, fall in love and helps expose the murders. Along the way there are a slew of excellent cameos from Bill Murray, Harvey Keitel, Jeff Goldblum, Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton and Mathieu Almaric. The sinister villains are played by Adrien Brody and Willem DaFoe. DaFoe is Brody's henchmen and doggedly chases after Gustave and Zero.

Anderson does a great job at telling a very intricate story with a lot of characters. Everything meshes together nicely. The color of the sets and costumes are vibrant in a way the kind of gives away the characters personality (Gustave is a bit flamboyant so he wheres a lot of purple and is always impeccably dressed, even in his prison issues). Anderson gives you what you expect from his films without giving you the same film. Very original, very detail orientated and character driven. My favorite Wes Anderson film is The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and Grand Budapest is not at that level in my opinion but it is a really, really good film. To me, Anderson is a must see director if only for the fact that he is making films that no one else makes. He also gets A list actors (Bill Murray was paid $9,000 for his role in Rushmore) to appear in his films. He doesn't make blockbusters, he makes art.

The New York Knickerbockers...it's too easy

I've been piling on the Knicks lately and quite frankly why not. The Knicks along with the Lakers, are interesting topics in the NBA that doesn't involve tanking (though the Knicks perfrmance last night could be interrepted as tanking but more on that in a bit). Last week the Knicks announced that they had agreed to terms with Phil Jackson (5 years $60 million) to become the team president of basketball operations or something. Jackson has ties to the Knicks team that last won a championship in 1973. Jackson's coaching record puts him as a lock as a coaching legend winning 11 titles (6 with the Bulls and 5 with the Lakers). The thing is, Jackson is not coaching. He's 68 years old and in declining health, he just can deal with the physical grind of an 82 game schedule. The only thing that isn't on his resume is builing a championship caliber team (a la Red Auerbach). Not that that should make a difference to his legacy but he's a smart guy and I can't think of anyone who would turn down that kind of money.

Jackson has a tough road ahead of him. A possible bright spot is that owner James Dolan, who's made some bad basketball decisions, vows to stay out of the way. Like most people, I'll believe when it happens. Jackson was quoted as saying that embattled star Carmelo Anthony "has another level in him." Melo has gone on record that he would like to test free agency (he can opt out of his contract at the end of the season). ESPN's Stephen A. Smith has said that sources have told him that Melo is gone. I won't go into detail about the horrendous conditions the Knicks are in but here's a quick run down:

• No draft pick in this year's allegedly deep draft.
• No cap space for the 2014-15 season (a lot of bad contracts).
• Guard Raymond Felton's status, is he going to jail.
• What will Melo do?
• What to do with the coach.
• The fact that no free agent wants to play in NYC (or with Melo if he stays).

Phil is being hailed as a savior by the Knick faithful. Even if Melo stays, the Knicks will be bad next season. Regardless of the coach. When Phil came back the Knicks were in the midst of an 8 game win streak. To be fair, 7 of the 8 teams are terrible but the Pacer win is a quality win, despite the fact that team's alleged disarray. The thing is, that has been a Knick trend lately. In a home stand from January 24-30 the Knicks won 4 in row. Again, all against terrible non-playoff teams. Starting with a game against the arch rival Miami Heat on February 1st, the Knicks would lose 12 of 14 games through March 3rd. The only victories were agains the Nuggets and lowly Pelicans. The Knicks did show signs of life starting off the month of March but they lost to the hideous Cavaliers on March 23rd (the Cavs overcame a double digit deficit) and then came last night's embarrassment.

The Lakers, essentially the West Coast version of the Knicks, with a worse record than the Knicks, playing without any star players (Nash, Gasol and Kobe were all out) and with Phil Jackson in the building, lay an absolute egg in a 127-96 drubbing. See if you recognize any of the names on the Lakers...

New York Knicks (29-42)
field goalsrebounds
	pos	min	fgm-a	3pm-a	ftm-a	+/-	off	def	tot	ast	pf	st	to	bs	ba	pts
C. Anthony	F	38:15	10-21	1-4	8-8	-16	0	9	9	3	3	1	3	1	0	29
A. Stoudemire	F	27:24	7-14	0-0	2-2	-30	2	0	2	0	2	0	1	1	1	16
T. Chandler	C	28:43	5-7	0-0	2-2	-7	1	4	5	2	2	1	3	1	0	12
J.R. Smith	G	29:01	4-6	1-2	3-4	-13	2	2	4	3	0	0	2	1	0	12
R. Felton	G	20:13	3-7	0-3	0-2	-8	1	3	4	6	2	2	1	0	0	6
I. Shumpert		19:26	0-6	0-2	0-0	-15	1	1	2	0	0	2	1	0	1	0
P. Prigioni		21:30	0-1	0-1	0-0	-16	0	1	1	5	0	1	0	0	0	0
T. Hardaway Jr.		24:04	5-7	2-3	5-7	-16	0	1	1	3	5	1	1	0	0	17
C. Aldrich		10:55	1-2	0-0	0-0	-15	1	1	2	0	1	1	1	0	0	2
J. Tyler		07:19	0-0	0-0	0-2	-5	0	2	2	1	1	0	2	0	0	0
S. Brown		06:53	1-1	0-0	0-0	-7	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	2
T. Murry		06:17	0-2	0-0	0-0	-7	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Total		240	36-74	4-15	20-27		8	24	32	23	16	9	15	4	2	96
			48.6%	26.7%	74.1%		team rebs: 7			total to: 16

Los Angeles Lakers (24-46)
field goalsrebounds
	pos	min	fgm-a	3pm-a	ftm-a	+/-	off	def	tot	ast	pf	st	to	bs	ba	pts
W. Johnson	F	15:14	1-3	0-0	0-0	+9	0	2	2	0	2	0	0	0	0	2
J. Hill	F	14:02	4-4	0-0	1-1	+7	1	4	5	0	4	0	1	0	0	9
C. Kaman	C	22:40	5-10	0-0	3-3	+7	4	5	9	3	3	0	2	1	1	13
J. Meeks	G	25:04	5-11	4-7	0-0	+15	0	2	2	3	1	4	3	0	1	14
K. Marshall	G	23:24	3-7	1-2	0-0	+14	0	2	2	9	0	0	1	0	1	7
N. Young		18:37	6-10	5-6	3-3	+15	0	4	4	0	3	0	3	0	1	20
K. Bazemore		32:46	7-14	2-4	2-2	+22	0	2	2	5	3	1	2	0	0	18
R. Kelly		33:58	3-6	3-5	0-0	+24	0	4	4	8	3	2	1	0	0	9
X. Henry		23:20	8-11	3-4	3-5	+16	1	2	3	0	1	2	2	1	0	22
R. Sacre		25:20	4-4	0-0	0-0	+24	2	3	5	4	3	0	0	0	0	8
M. Brooks		05:35	2-3	0-0	1-1	+2	0	0	0	0	0	1	1	0	0	5
P. Gasol	NWT - Vertigo.
S. Nash	DND - Nerve root irritation.
Total		240	48-83	18-28	13-15		8	30	38	32	23	10	16	2	4	127
			57.8%	64.3%	86.7%		team rebs: 5			total to: 17

Who the hell are Ken Bazemore, Nick Young and Xavier Henry!? With the exception Chris Kaman, who was an All-Star, the other 10 players who saw action for the Lakers are either role or bench players at best (make no mistake, I am not taking anything away from them talent wise). This no-name Laker group shot 57.8% from the field and put on a 3-point shooting clinic to the tune of 64.3%. Check this out...

	Scoring
	1	2	3	4	T
NYK	22	20	31	23	96
LAL	14	36	51	26	127

The Lakers scored a team record 51 points in the 3rd quarter. Let that sink in for a minute. A franchise that has had the likes of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Jerry West, Elgin Baylor, Magic Johnson and a host of other legends had never scored that many points in a quarter...EVER. The Knicks looked good after the 1st quarter but then just disappeared. Vanished without a trace. Outscored by 37 points in the 3rd & 4th quarters. Something like that had not been seen before. Allegedly Phil Jackson left the Staples Center with 9 minutes to go. Apparently he'd seen enough.

Now I did not watch the game (trivia on Tuesday nights, so I'm occupied) but from what I gather it became a dreadful embarrassment not too long into the 2nd quarter. To say the Knicks didn't play a lot of defense would be the underest understatement of the season. These no-name Lakers were running fast break drills, draining 3s and just making the Knicks look like they didn't belong on the court. Mike Francesa of WFAN really laid into the Knicks pretty heavily. The Sixers are being accused of tanking, last night the Knicks just plain quit. This is a team that doesn't care. None of them do. Good luck Phil, you're going to need it.

Richard the Lionheart

On this day in 1199, Richard I, the King of England was shot with a crossbow bolt and would die a week or so later from the wounds. The sotry goes a little like this...Richard was laying siege to a relatively minor castle at Chalus-Charbrol (allegedly there may have been a hidden cache of Roman gold there) and was inspecting the work of the sappers. With crossbow bolts and arrows flying around, Richard was walking around without armor and he got into a taunting match with someone from the castle. The unknown man had been firing bolts and using a frying pan as a shield throughout the day. Richard, being the cocky jerk that he was, dared the guy to shoot him. Well, he did and Richard was hit in the shoulder by the neck. Richard's surgeon, known as "the butcher" (not a nickname a person wants associated with their primary health provider) botched the operation and the wound became gangrenous. The crossbowman was captured and he was brought before Richard prior to his impending brutal death and Richard told him, "live on, and by my bounty behold the light of day." Richard ordered him to be set free and given 100 shillings. However when Richard passed, the man was flayed and hanged.

Richard was the son of King Henry II of England and Eleanor of Aquitaine (history is divided on whether or not she was the ultimate overbearing mother). When Richard became King Of England in 1189, England was a different place. England included parts of France including Normandy. Richard never spoke English and spent very little actual time in the British Isles. Yet he gets painted in British history as this great English King. He even has a pretty kick ass statute outside Westminster Palace...

Zoom in and check out the biceps on that guy.

Richard is most famous for his exploits in the Holy Land during the Third Crusade. Before that he rebelled against his Father for the throne, unsuccessfully. It can also be said that he was a dick to his younger brother John.

Much like this guy.



Historian Steven Runciman noted that Richard was, "a bad son, a bad husband, and a bad king." What Richard was really good at was battle and at the age of 16 he was quelling rebellions against his father (before he decided that perhaps he should run things). His exploits during the Third Crusade are legendary and he understood that one needed money (lots of it) to go on crusade (he introduced the Saladin tithe to fund his crusade). He arrived at the Siege of Acre in dramatic fashion, by jumping out of the boat going straight into battle. He was capable of great (if not head scratching) acts of bravery and not to mention brutality. After he ended the siege there were approximately 2500 Muslim prisoners. Ricahrd's plan was to ransom the prisoners back to Saladin. Apparently Saladin took too long to come up with the money and Richard ordered the deaths of the prisoners (things were a little different back then). When Richard started off towards the Holy Land there was some Anti-Jewish violence (not the first time this happened prior to a Crusade).

Saladin was said to admire Richard, his courage and the loyalty he instilled in his men. Saladin also thought that Richard was a bit reckless, charging headling into a battle. When RIchard came down with a bad case of probably dysentary, Saladin sent his surgeons to aid him (the Crusdaders were woefully lagging behind in the field of medicine at the time). Despite increasing the the size of the crusdaer kingdom in the Levant, tt the end of the day, Richard realized if he liberated Jerusalem, he couldn't hold it. He and Saladin signed a truce and Richard headed back to the pressing affairs of his kingdom.

Here's where Richard's overall dickery will come back to bite him on the arse. Upon sailing home in 1192, Richard and what was left of his crew were shipwrecked and forced to travel through Central Europe. Right before Christmas, Richard was captured by Leopold VI, Duke of Austria. Seems old Leo was none too thrilled about Richard's alleged involvement in the murder ofhis cousin, COnrad of Montferrat. Also, Richard had pulled and "F-you" to Leopold by casting down his standard from the walls of Acre (that was a big offense in those days).

Leopold turned Richard over to the Holy Roman Emperor, Henry VI in 1193. Henry VI didn't liked Richard because the Plantagenets had given support to someone Henry VI didn't like years earlier or something like that. Suffice to say, Henry wasn't letting Richard go until he go paid. The ransom was 65,000 pounds of silver and it was raised by his mother Eleanor (much to the chigrin of his brother, Prince John and his subjects). Needless to say John was thrilled to have his brother back. Once back on the throne, Richard had to go about the task of reconquering his kingdom.

After the truce, Saladin would die a year or so later and Richard's life would end in a little less than a decade.

This Day in History

In 235, Maximinus Thrax is proclaimed Emperor of Rome. He has the distinction of having never actually set foot within the city limits. I saw this and the very name of the dude blew me away! That's a better name than most of the Bond Villians. His name alone struck fear into the hearts of his detractors. Allegedly. The fact that he didn't spend a lot of time in Rome may be a reason why he's not up there with Marcus Aurelias or even a short timer like Caligula.

Apparently Maximus was born in an area of Iran to a less than somewhat lower-middle class family. He joned the army and moved up the ranks. Maximus was in command of Legio IV Italica serving in the Upper Rhine region. His troops were none too thrilled with the facto that Maximus' boss,   Alexander Severus, was paying tribute to Alemanni to avoid war. His troops killed Alexander and his mom (vicious mothers aren't they?) and the Praetorian Guard declared him Emperor. Since the Roman Senate was a bunch of sissy rich guys they didn't want to go against what was essentially the Mossad and Special Forces of the day (Bad. Ass. Mo-Fos).

Since the Senate didn't particularly take kindly to non-Roman rulers the conspired with a few people to try and oust Mr. Thrax. Those plans more or less tanked and they decided to "elect" a pair of co-emperors to try and stand up to Mr. Thrax (from whom they expected little mercy). With his hand forced, Maximus marched on Rome but the gates were closed (it would seem he felt that his presence would be welcomed with open arms). Since his army was not ready for a protracted seige, disease and famine set in. In May of 238, pro-Roman forces killed him, his family (people were thorough in those days) and placed their heads on pikes.

Though he's not in the same class as an Octavian or Julius Caesar but apparently Mr. Thrax was an extremely large gentleman of 8 feet tall, according to the less than reputable Historia Augusta. He allegedly possessed superhuman strength and suffered from excessive sweating. Nice.

Not exactly the prettiest fellow but with a baddass name like Maximus Thrace, who needs looks. He scared the ladies into liking him.

The NBA on March 6th

This month, the NBA is honoring Hispanic Heritage. The New York Knicks become the Neuva York Knicks. The Heat and Suns become El Heat and Los Suns. I don’t doubt the integrity of the NBA but if their participation in something like this raises awareness for Hispanic Heritage while selling more merchandise then everyone wins.

In honoring Hispanic Heritage month, there was a lot of matador defense being played. Los Suns defeated the Thunder (who were not in Hispanic Heritage uniforms and I guess that’s why they lost) 128-122. Each team shot better than 50% from the field (.500 for the Thunder and .525 for Los Suns) but the key was 3point shooting. The Thunder was 13-33 from beyond the arc for 39%. This was actually better than their season average of 36%. Los Suns shot nearly 56% from three point range lighting up the Thunder to the tune of 15-27. Way to get a hand in their face guys!

This biggest defensive lapse of the night has to go the now hapless Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers took on their crosstown rivals the Clippers in a home game at the Staples Center, an arena both teams share. That means all the Laker banners were in the rafters and Jack Nicholson was in the front row.

The Lakers were playing without Kobe and Steve Nash and were woefully undermanned against the much younger, much healthier Clippers. Here’s the box score from the game...

LA Clippers

PLAYERS
Players	Min	FG	3pt	FT	+/-	Off	Def	Reb	Ast	TO	Stl	Blk	BA	PF	Pts
Matt BarnesF	30:06	7-13	3-7	0-0	+43	2	10	12	5	1	3	0	0	2	17
Blake GriffinF	25:47	8-12	0-0	4-6	+34	2	9	11	7	5	2	0	0	3	20
DeAndre JordanC	22:02	6-9	0-0	2-4	+42	4	8	12	3	2	0	0	0	2	14
Darren CollisonG	29:33	9-16	1-3	5-5	+30	2	2	4	3	1	2	0	2	2	24
Chris PaulG	26:02	6-12	1-3	0-1	+36	1	3	4	11	3	4	1	0	1	13
Willie Green	27:34	3-9	1-3	2-2	+28	1	5	6	2	2	0	0	0	1	9
Hedo Turkoglu	22:13	3-6	3-5	0-0	+14	0	8	8	1	0	2	2	0	2	9
Glen Davis	18:32	5-7	0-0	0-0	+5	1	1	2	1	1	1	1	0	1	10
Danny Granger	17:54	4-8	0-2	2-2	+5	1	1	2	1	2	0	0	0	4	10
Reggie Bullock	12:51	4-7	3-3	0-0	+2	1	1	2	0	0	2	0	0	2	11
Ryan Hollins	7:26	2-4	0-0	1-2	+1	1	0	1	0	0	0	1	0	1	5
Jamal Crawford	DNP - Strained Left Calf.
Jared Dudley	DNP - Mid- Back Spasms.
J.J. Redick	DNP - Inactive
Totals		57-103	12-26	16-22		16	48	64	34	17	16	5	2	21	142
Percentages		55.3%	46.2%	72.7%		Team Rebounds: 7

LA Lakers

PLAYERS
Players	Min	FG	3pt	FT	+/-	Off	Def	Reb	Ast	TO	Stl	Blk	BA	PF	Pts
Kent BazemoreF	32:07	4-9	1-4	5-10	-29	1	1	2	6	5	1	1	1	3	14
Wesley JohnsonF	30:01	1-9	0-7	0-0	-40	1	3	4	1	2	4	1	0	4	2
Pau GasolC	25:13	8-15	0-0	5-6	-36	1	6	7	1	2	0	0	1	2	21
Jodie MeeksG	31:19	3-11	0-2	1-1	-45	0	0	0	1	1	0	0	0	1	7
Kendall MarshallG	23:41	3-8	1-4	0-0	-8	0	4	4	7	4	1	0	0	0	7
Robert Sacre	22:47	4-7	0-0	0-0	-12	1	2	3	1	2	0	0	1	2	8
Jordan Farmar	21:10	1-5	1-3	1-2	-39	0	0	0	3	3	0	0	0	2	4
Ryan Kelly	21:08	2-4	1-2	4-5	-10	0	6	6	0	0	1	0	1	0	9
Xavier Henry	19:19	5-10	3-3	2-2	-14	0	5	5	3	1	1	0	0	2	15
MarShon Brooks	13:15	3-8	1-5	0-0	-7	0	2	2	3	2	1	0	1	0	7
Jordan Hill	DNP - Sore Right Knee.
Chris Kaman	DNP - Coach's Decision
Nick Young	DNP - Sore Left Knee.
Kobe Bryant	DNP - Inactive
Steve Nash	DNP - Inactive
Totals		34-86	8-30	18-26		4	29	33	26	22	9	2	5	16	94
Percentages		39.5%	26.7%	69.2%		Team Rebounds: 8

They are few words that describe this kind of beat down on the NBA level. The Lakers were thoroughly dominated in every aspect of the game. Take a look at the shooting percentages, 55.3%, 46.2% and 72.7% for the Clippers while the Lakers managed 39.5%, 26.7% and 69.2%. The Clippers clobbered the Lakers on the boards, wiping the glass clean of 16 offensive rebounds to the Lakers 4 (DeAndre Jordan himself singlehandedly matched the Lakers in that regard). That led to a plus 31 rebounding margin! Did the Lakers play 5 on 4 again? To get pummeled that badly on the boards is just a lack of effort. The Clippers starting front line of Barnes, Griffin and Jordan combined for 35 rebounds, 2 more than the entire Laker team could manage.

It wasn’t anyone from the Clippers had a career performance either. Blake Griffin is averaging 24.1ppg on 16.9 shots/game. He only took 12 shots to get 20 points. Darren Collison led all scorers with 24 points on 16 shots. Collison averages 10.6 ppg on less than 8 shots/game. He just had a hot hand. Like everyone else on the Clippers. The Clippers had 8 players score in double figures including their entire starting five. The Lakers lone bright spot was Pau Gasol with 21 points and 7 rebounds. Other Gasol and Jordan Farmar, I don’t recognize any other name on the Laker roster that played in the game. 

There was a time when the Clippers were the laughing stock of Los Angeles Since moving to LA from San Diego for the 1984-85 season the Clippers have had only six winning seasons and they’re currently in their 3^rd straight winning season. Heck, the six seasons in San Diego produced 1 winning season (43-39 during the ’78-’79 campaign) and ZERO playoff appearances. So yeah, the west coast hasn’t been too kind to the Clippers. While the Clippers have been a punch line for the better part of the last 30 years, the Lakers have been to the NBA finals 12 times and have 7 championships.  Until recently, the Clippers haven’t been able to compete with the Lakers.

It was the worst defeat in the history of the Laker franchise. The sportstalk characters are calling for Laker coach Mike D'Antoni's head and they're saying that the franchise is going nowhere fast. Kobe is old and coming off another major injury. Steve Nash has had back problems since becoming a Laker and they keep trying to shop Gasol but no one is buying. At least they have a draft pick (unlike the Knicks). Right now, the Clippers are a fun team to watch and the Lakers are not. Here, watch some highlights...