20 January, 2013

The Last Stand

Normally I would pass on this film as Arnold looks old, not in the most fantastic physical condition (for him) and quite frankly no longer relevant. However, I work with a friend who is a HUGE Arnold fan and since several of our little group were in Winston-Salem for work, the nearest & the best theater was having a 10pm showing instead of midnight...well it all came together.

Arnold plays Sheriff Ray Owens, who's territory is a small Arizona border town. Life is dull and that's the way he likes it (there's a back story that had him in an elite LAPD narcotics squad that suffered heavy casualties in a raid. Ray was hit several times and was the only survivor. This by the way is a sly reference to First Blood, the lone survivor on an elite unit theory). His deputies include Luis Guzmán, Zach Gilford and uber-hotty Jaimie Alexander (because every small town police force needs an uber-hotty right?).

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Forest Whitaker is leading a group Feds in a prisoner transfer of a cartel kingpin, Eduardo Noriega to Federal death row (normally I would have thought that this was the jurisdiction of the U.S. Marshall's but whatever). In the midst of a heavily armed motorcade, Noriega is elaborately rescued (with the yet unknown help of one of Whitaker's teammates, the smoking hot Genesis Rodriguez. This plot line is taken directly from License to Kill). In the process, another one of Whitaker's teammates is killed by Noriega and he eventually escapes Las Vegas in a Corvette ZR1.




According to the film, this vehicle is faster than a helicopter, has night vision capabilities, can travel up to 200 mph and runs on a new fuel because it can make the nearly 500 mile journey without filling up for gas! Naturally the crime lord is a race car driver and he deftly eludes helicopters and other law enforcement vehicles. In one sequence he gets the car in reverse, during a high speed sequence, and forces a police SUV to flip over by driving across the hood of the ZR1 (without causing damage of course). The ZR1 must have special tires as well because the high speeds and stunts would cause blowouts on any other vehicle. During this trip, neither Noriega or Rodriguez, the "hostage," need to go to the bathroom (as a truck driver, I would need to go at least once during a 500 mile trip). There is also no traffic what so ever during the race to the border despite probably having to go through Phoenix and Tuscon at some point (why let little factoids like this get in the way of good car chase scenes).

Meanwhile down in Arizona, Arnold runs into a few truckers at the local diner, this group of villains is led by Peter Stormare (you know there's trouble when this guy shows up). It's Stormare's job to build a bridge over a ravine so that Noriega can drive into Mexico and elude the authorities who are converging on Nagoles. Things start to get suspicious when Harry Dean Stanton, the crazy local farmer, fails to make his delivery to the diner (goodbye Harry) sending the police to investigate. When Arnold arrives on the scene he instinctively knows something's up and orders his  deputies to fall back while investigating mysterious truck tracks in the desert...too late. They walked into an ambush. Arnold gets them out but not in time to save one of them (given it was the deputy who thinks life in the Arizona town is too dull). Enter Rodrigo Santoro, the sometimes boyfriend of the hot deputy (who is in the jail for an undisclosed charge) who just happens to be a Marine and veteran of Afghanistan & Iraq (funny how that always works out for he good guys).

Here's where things start to get all High Noon. Arnold has to enlist the aid of the unqualified deputies against the bad guys building the bridge and the soon to be arriving Noriega. Where Gary Cooper failed, Arnold succeeds. They are also able to enlist the aid of Johnny Knoxville (why he's in this film I don't know) who happens to be the local gun nut and just happens to have a "museum" of antique weapons (again, very handy for the good guys). They prep for Noriega's arrival (here's the Seven Samurai reference) and the eventual assault from his crew in town. Using tactics, Arnold's underqualified, outnumbered and outgunned staff defeat the bridge crew with only minor injuries (Guzman & Knoxville are wounded).

When Noriega arrives, he manages to slip by the road block and Arnold borrows the Mayor's Camaro and gives chase. Just when you thought the action might lighten a bit, the director gives us a high speed car chase through a cornfield (borrowed with poetic license from The Hunter). Eventually Arnold and Noriega square off on the bridge. Now, technically Arnold should be no match for the much younger and highly skilled Noriega but wouldn't you know it, Arnold wins (this is a far cry from Riggs v. Mr. Joshua in Lethal Weapon). The Feds arrive just as Arnold is bringing Noriega back.

Every plot point in this film is predictable, the dialogue is bad and consists of one-liners that reference other actions films. Most are which are somewhat humorous but stupid (one of the funnier lines happens when local hottie, Christiana Leucas, gets caught outside during the firefight and Luis Guzman yells, "Get to da diner!") Arnold looks old and tired and there's a moment during his fight scene where he's slow getting up and I thought to myself, "he's not acting there!" The violence is sometimes comical but very graphic with a high body count. I prefer the Arnold from 1982-1994 (C0nan to  True Lies), heck even his cameos in the Expendables films was lame at best. It's over for him and he should retire quietly or figure something else out because he DOES NOT cut it as an action hero. I cringe when I see some his upcoming projects according to his imdb page. I will now have to see Bullet to the Head with Sly so I can make a comparison and the early indicators are the Sly still has it and Arnold doesn't.



No comments: